With the official launch day of The Alpha’s Dream being only six days away (April 23rd), I’ve had a little time to reflect. One of the things I constantly think about is how much time I spend away from my little loves while I work. The eldest is nearly 3. Often, when I say mama has to work, I’m immediately bombarded with tears and pleas not to go.
It feels like the ultimate in betrayal to close the door on my children and write.
It feels frivolous.
I’ve had to get creative with explaining to my little ones what mama does and why mama does it. They don’t always understand, but it helps me to say out loud there is a purpose for my actions.
I’m a writer because I love to write. I am a writer because I love to read, and I find words powerful. I am a writer because it is my passion. I feel deeply that it is one of my purposes in life. I write because it supports their lives and my ability to be with them on a daily basis.
There is nothing easy about being away from my little loves while I work. Even though we are in the same house and in theory I can reach them at any time. It is a heartbreaking separation. It feels selfish to be so close and still miss bed time routines and evening wind downs. It is frustrating to her the current littlest crying, but knowing if I even peek out it will only make things worse. Their father is more than capable of tackling their challenging moments even if it’s not in my preferred way. I know they are ultimately okay.
When I remind them mama works because it helps to pay for the bath water they love to play in or their favorite foods, I am also reminding myself. My writing is part of our livelihood. It is part of the way that I say to my lover, we are on the same team. We are building our life together. Writing is part of the way I say to my little loves dreams are valid and worthy of being chased. My example is how they will learn to survive on doing what they love when the time comes.
Writing is part of the way I say to myself it is okay that corporate America was not your best choice.
In a perfect world, as I write more and my books become more profitable it will become clearer to all of us that the hours aren’t wasted. Being a mama author is nothing if not a constant juggle of priorities. It is a battle of who is loved more and how much time the more loved gets.
I love my children. I do not lie to them about what my writing is for me and us. I also do not dismiss their feelings on the matter. Mama works because these little loves deserve all things divine. Their father and I are determined to give those things to them.